Synn and I went for a ‘lecture’ on childcare and childbirth tonight.
It’s part of this ante-natal class we’ve been attending, except this time, they’d invited a couple of doctors to make some presentations on what’s normal for an infant for the few weeks post-delivery, and what’s not normal.
Tonight’s lecture actually marks the end of the entire class, and we’ve got one more hospital visit session that’s part of the package, but Synn was wondering if it was really necessary. Although, for our hospital, I didn’t know we were supposed to head straight for the delivery ward, which is on the second floor, when she starts experiencing contractions, until the doctor mentioned this in passing during the lecture.
The doctors were rather pleasant, and at times rather entertaining.
I’d say I learnt a LOT during the duration of the classes, particularly more so during the practical sessions like handling MiniMe, diapers, breastfeeding and tonight’s lecture. They even gave us a little handbook with all the things to look out for when MiniMe arrives and what not to panic over, and of course, what to panic over, hehe.
Standing by the carpark of SCGS tonight, while waiting for Synn to be done in the restroom, I couldn’t help but think about how much both our lives will change once MiniMe arrives.
I can’t help but feel a little lost and apprehensive about whether we’ll both be able to find the time to enjoy MiniMe in the midst of learning about all the nuances of childcare and the emergencies. I worry about being unable to keep up with the amount of work and effort that’s going to be needed to find and maintain the new harmony and balance in our lives once MiniMe gets here. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a waterfall, right at the moment before the boat tips over. The momentary calm before the storm.
I am reminded of a story our consultant, Mrs. Wong Boh Boi, recounted, about this mother who confided in her that she did not feel anything for her newborn child. This mother felt so guilty beyond description. However, Mrs. Wong said that this feeling (or lack of) is actually normal, and after 6 months or so of breastfeeding, this mother apparently now absolutely can’t live without her child. I wonder if this applies to fathers as well. A small part of me fears that my heart is unable to accomodate the love and care necessary to bring MiniMe up. And being unable to be as close to a child as a mother can be, I also fear that this ‘lack of feeling’ (should I eventually experience it) does not correct itself.
I also wonder about how my relationship with Synn is going to change, whether we’ll ever find the time to enjoy each other’s company again for the next 20 or so years. I think I’ll miss our late night chats and jokes, because I’m expecting both of us to be dog tired at the end of each and every day.
Yet, at the same time I can’t wait to lay eyes on MiniMe. To see his first smile, his first tooth, first steps…
So many thoughts swirling around in my head.